he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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