I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
