so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I could make wine with my vomit
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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