There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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