My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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