Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
