Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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