I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i believe in u and ur pee
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
