That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
