i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
