you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize