You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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