she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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