He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
