SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
