Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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