Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
