Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
