Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
