my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
