i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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