He uses pillows to masturbate.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
