i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
