my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
