You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Randomize
