I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
