this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
