sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
