You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
