haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
