there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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