the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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