that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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