my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize