you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
