her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
