I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
