Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
