fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Come share oat with me in your robe
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