I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
