I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
