I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
