Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
