His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
