The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize