Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think people are normalizing furries
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
