i love accidental penises.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
