Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
