3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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