just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize