My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
