I just saw a hot homeless man
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
