now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
