I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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