when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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