Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
