my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
