How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I love you. Go after that dick
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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