i will never coherently bang her
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
