Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
